The Sky Is The Limit

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She slipped away on her on her unicorn with a fire’y mane. The sky breeze flowed gracefully though her hair, and tiny pebbles flung into her eyes.

“Whoah Marigold Easy!” Emeris patted her unicorn.

Marigold huffed and drug her foot furiously into the gravel.

“What’s the matter girl? Your not like yourself.” Emeris said while matting down Marigolds mane.

The thing is, Emeris didn’t even know how she came to fly along this creatures back. The morning due had simmered through her deeply fastened eyelids. She awoke to the sway of Marigolds wings. She turned to sit up, almost tumbling down she realized she was 60ft high into the sky.

A beautiful creature Marigold flew gracefully as if flying wasn’t something that took much effort. Emeris couldn’t help but fall in love with her mesmerizing exterior. Her white mane white as snow with charcoal colored spots. Her amber glistened brightly in the sunlight somewhat like a Marigold. Her hooves looked like mittens with black hair. Marigolds eyes shimmered with such mysticism you couldn’t help but wonder what she really was.

Emeris didn’t even know how she knew this creatures name. Yet here she was flying the great open world with Marigold.

After landing ….

To be continued…………….

 

Late Night Contemplations

 


Some days, I find myself defeated. I’m not really sure about the reality of friendship. Is that even a real thing? I haven’t known it. I see a lot of woman having a solid relationship with their best friends, or sister in laws, etc. I see woman flock together for so many things in life, even when their stressing out. For Pete’s sake they even have their periods together! I’ve yet to come across another woman who put that much effort into a friendship with me. 

Maybe I’m that weirdo in the corner, who no one would come near with a ten foot pole? Maybe haters hate? When my life crumbles, there is no one around help me piece the puzzle back.I think I have some pieces inserted in the wrong places even! I am alone. I don’t know what friendship is, but hey… a least I know what I feels like to be the outcast. (Sarcastic chuckle) 

An It doesn’t stop there. The insults. I can’t even count on 5 hands how many insults I heard living through my life. Your too small, your boobs have to be fake,let me grab them to see for sure, hey sexy you know you want me 😒 yuck! Throughout my life, and much, much more! Throughout my  pre-teen  years and teen years, boys harassed me beyond frequently, because quote on quote, they needed to prove my boobs were fake. 😔… Really!? 

I’ve been excluded by other woman, because men can’t be respectful enough around me, and the worst part is, I’m not that kind of girl. I’ve experienced a lot of perversions through my life. I’ve never known what it’s like for someone to look passed my looks and into my mind. Here’s hoping that exists!

Maybe once……………..

Rick always flutters back into my mind. Even then, it was obviously to good to be true. One day he was their, and the the next it was like he didn’t even exist. I love a great mystery, but not to that extreme. 

Being an orphan wasn’t something I asked for. Not having a sister, or friends or anyone to connect with for that matter has left a nasty taste in my mouth. There are days I’ve felt so stuck, but because I have nowhere to seek advice, I end up not doing anything about the situation. I’m lost. Lack of guidance is brutal. I rarely know if i’m on the right track, or if I’ve even got a purpose. All I know is that my three young children need their mother, and at least they love me right (I hope) 

I have Ray, but he’s not the most supportive about anything. When I’m down, it usually upsets him enough to raise his voice at me, which then humbles me with the wisdom to keep my mouth shut. 

Life is hard, and I wish I had an instruction booklet. 


I laid wide awake at 3 am staring at the ceiling fan. It lapped around circulating the small gust of cool air into the bedroom. Ray snoring loudly as always, laid facing opposite of me. Go figure! I doesn’t matter which side we switch to, he ALWAYS has a reason why he doesn’t sleep by me, snuggle, or face me. I’ve brought it up several times, but I’m always met with an excuse as to why, so I’ve… Embraced it, or something like that.

My mind racing at a million thoughts per minute struggling to lay to rest the weight. Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders tends to weigh a person down. I couldn’t help but notice the clock ticking faster than usual. It’s like as long as i’m losing sleep, time WILL fly! All my fears and anxieties rose up inside of me. Causing an anxiety attack.

Are there really men out there in the world less interested in sex than woman? 😞😏

Whatevs,

A swift shadow passed down my hallway, and I jerked in fear. The kids are convinced there is a ghost living in our home. Only, I’m thinking someone just walked into our home. The screen to the  front door opened and shut. I freaked, and started telling Ray. He responded, “Grumble, what do you want.”

“Did you lock the doors tonight, the door just opened. ”

“I don’t know.”

In my my moment of fear I said, “Then can you check because it sounded like someone could have just come inside.”

“Ugh! It’s nothing. ”

“Are you kidding me!?”

I’ve been raped before. That taught me something about encounters. ALRIGHT!  I’m not about to walk down my hallway. Hey! I’m petite and small, Let me fend off attackers from our family. 😀 Come the F*** on!

Men: If your wife is scared, will you reassure her, or get mad?

It turned into a small squabble. The next morning, I was left wondering if I truly need to be protected, would he?

 

 

Dear Rick

It happened again. I dream’t about you last night. You always have a way of seeping back up into my mind. Funny. Fifteen years ago, I thought I’d shut you entirely out of my feeling center. Maybe I suppressed it all. Two years ago when you resurfaced, you kinda reignited that spark. You dropped the fuck off again soon after. Just like that, it was over AGAIN. This time, I’m older and well… Now I’m grieving. For then, for now, for the relationship you know we had, yet buried alive, the years we’ve lost with each other, the kids we were meant to have?????? If we were even meant to be? …. Closure.

I’ve never had it.

For the most substantial experience in my life, I will never have closure. Don’t you think about everything? Do I cross your mind at all? Did you even love me at all, or did you straight up use me? Because of you, I’ve crossed my life never falling for anyone, not letting anyone love me the same, keeping others at a safe distance in order to guard my heart. I’ve even kept others from touching me the same way you did. Maybe we were to young for the connection we had, maybe you were stupid for getting into those drugs. Our story was got dang fucking epic. I mean how often is it that you truly do get a hair away from touching real magic?

The pure gravitational pull was so strong and fierce. I know the tether is still there, because I’ve yet to find someone who can replace you, or at least come close. What about you. Are you happy?

The day I lost you, was the end for me. Love was non-existent. I know it wasn’t your choice, maybe it was. Whatever happened, we were left with something. Whatever it is… Don’t you still wonder?

Every time I dream about you, it feels so real. I forget my reality, and believe the dream is. 

These dreams… I hate waking up from them. I would sleep forever, if it meant I could spend eternity with you. And no! … I awake with distaste to the now retrieving world around me.  I just…. Want to… Cry.

The oddity of it all is that for fifteen years, I’d had amazing dreams about this guy. A mystery man. Dreams of being in a relationship, and having one serious spectacular connection such as ours, but I never really placed you. I spent many years wondering who this man could be. Who was this mystery man?  Mystery love. A mystery very similar to ours. I fell in love with you because you were just as mysterious as I. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who this man could be. Never once did I place you. Two years ago, after speaking with you, our conversation… Well… We didn’t even skip a beat. We still had it. You still chose to drop me. I had kids, you had a girl… I wished I could tell you without fear that I wanted YOU more. Thanks to that jerk moved you pulled about the letter, I learned not to express myself to you about my love for you.

After the fire started burning, my mystery mans face became crisp and clear. All those years…Nothing clicked. It took remembering how you made me feel, to connect the puzzle pieces.  It made total sense. So now, I spend my days desiring something I’ll most likely never have, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for falling for you, I hate myself for letting you catch me again.I hate myself for choices I’ve made that lead me here. Because of you, I spent the better half of my life desperately seeking true love. Our relationship didn’t end traditionally, we were ripped apart and I wanted that back. Heck I don’t even think we started traditionally. What started out as a dare, turned into something we had no power to defeat. We couldn’t control our urges and we couldn’t NOT notice each other.

Do you remember when we could walk in the room, and just connect, look at each other, and the power within our love just… Boomed. I want THAT again.

I fear I’ll never get it again, and that leaves me greatly disappointed. Some days I crawl out of bed and think I already came, saw, and conquered what the fuck am I still doing here?

It’s been seventeen years now. AND STILL!!

Whatever! I made my bed and now I gotta lay in it.

I die inside just a little bit more every day because I myself cannot understand any of it.  I want to tingle like that again, I want to feel butterflies like that again. want to feel your sizzle inside your your touch again. I want my heart to pound like a caged creature from your touch AGAIN!

I want to see you in person. At least once before I die. You are the one, and Its you i’ll always want. Probably because we buried it alive. Maybe my issue is not knowing what would have happened had we lived it out. Would we have been like those couples that stay together forever. True love, or would we have ended. WHO KNOWS…. I never will!

My bitter secret: I’ll always be yours.

To be continued …….

Can You Remember?

It had been a while since I’d thought about Tate. Wait a minute, who am I kidding. I haven’t stopped thinking about that man for ten years. Now those were six years of my life that were… Unreal. I’m not really sure what it was about him. He was everything wrong with what was right. At least in my opinion. I could not be near him without being a total nervous wreck. ..but … He was always mine.

The first moment we noticed each other. Your eyes locked on. Like a predator to a prey, you made your way over. “Hey…”  I looked over, and replied, “Hey.”

“The names Tate.”

“Dar.”

“Yeah?…. So why haven I seen you before?”

“Not from here.”

I began to back away. I’m a quality kind of girl. I mean, Rick showed me how to understand and play the game. Or at least because of what he did to me, I became a top dog field player. I wasn’t about to waste my time on anyone. I started to turn, and Tate gently grasped my wrist. “Wait. Don’t run away like a scared little girl.”

I rolled my eyes and replied, “Scared? Is that what you call it these days?” I pulled my wrist away and started to walk away. I stood by my friend and started telling her about this wacko I just ran into, and her eyes glazed over behind me. I knew from her reaction Tate was standing behind me. “Your a fierce little girl aren’t you?””Girl?” “Well how old are you sweetheart?” The sound of that made me soften.”Old enough.” Tate let out a giggle. God! That giggle. 😌😍 I couldn’t help but smile.

Later that night, as the after party broke out, I noticed Tate’s eyes stuck on me. I moved around free with no care in the world. Plenty of woman went up to him, flirted with him, desired his attention. He dignified them with a simple answer, but his eyes. I couldn’t help but stare back. Locked on me. I walked outside for some fresh air. I mean after knowing your being watched like that, who wouldn’t get the heebie jeebies. He followed me. He came up to me again. I felt as though he was hounding me. “Do you get over personal with all the woman you flirt with?” He laughed again. “Nah. You just drive me crazy.” I stood straighter and began to leave AGAIN  and said, “Well … Good luck with that.” and walked away. That was it. That very moment I threw him for a loop. He chased me down, “Whoah whoah whoah… alright dang! whats wrong sweetie, aren’t you into me?” “I’m sure you could have any woman here tonight, why keep hounding me?” “A guy likes a challenge.” I rolled my eyes and turned again. This time, “Wait.” He grabbed my hands and pulled me close too him. A shock spun through my spine, “Just let me kiss you. If you don’t like it i’ll stop bothering you.” I became nervous. My heart began to pound and my stomach couldn’t contain the fluttering butterflies inside it. He came in close, and lock his lips to mine. I soon lost myself in his embrace. Our emotions connected. Breathing hard, we became reckless with each other. I kissed him like i’d kissed Rick. Long hard and passionately. He started pushing for more. Rick had never done that, and I was definitely not used to it. “Nope.!” “Oh come on, you can’t get a guy all excited for you and then leave me hanging.” “You asked fora kiss, you got your kiss. Have a good night.” I knew I’d impacted him. I could tell no one had ever done that to him. I walked away with  my small victory. I thought i’d averted him. Tate was everything wrong with what I believed was right. Little did I know… I wasn’t free from his grasp yet. This was only the beginning of our story.

Now, i’m sitting here reminiscing over times when life felt simpler. Happier. Adventurous. I wonder about those times a lot, and if I should ever explore them again. Today, is one of those days.

To be continued……

Signing out.

Something Broke

There’s a bitter taste in my mouth. I can’t help but think about it. Our relationship has hit a destination point. Every time I look at Ray, I can’t help but cringe. 😔 there’s something that happens to a woman when their partner lusts after someone that isn’t them. I’m not really sure I can ever look at him the same way again. I’m not even sure I can feel normal when he touches me ever again. There is a level of disgust, disappointment, distrust and betrayal I myself cannot even begin to explain. 

He feels bad…. 

He should have cared.

He wants to make it better…..

Maybe he shouldn’t of pushed me away.

He doesn’t want to lose me…

His choices …. In the past, he’s had some pretty jerk moments. Often, he can be pretty selfish. Honestly, deep down I’ve had enough. And there’s that double edged sword. Our three young children. I’ve heard about the effects of separation on kids. 😒 and so… I just stare. 

I’ve looked outside a million times, and enjoyed the beautiful yard I’ve tended to for three years. The investments we’ve made by buying our home, and a new family. Two boys and a girl. Ray didn’t care about any of that when he was… Enjoying himself.

I see it differently now. I look at our growing trees, and think about the loss. I wonder to myself… Can’t I continue on like those? Should I just stick it out for the kids? Maybe I should. I mean at least until their a bit older……


Broken inside, I couldn’t take it anymore. A side thought continued to gnaw at my heart strings. What would you do if your husband wasn’t interested in YOU? I was angry, hurt, broken, and low. I did what any woman would do. Find a way to make herself feel better. I called Tate. My heart instantaneously melted. I could feel that flame burning for the love of my life, as if it really never went out.  

“Hey.” 

“Hey Dar.” Tate replied with an Angelic tone in his voice. 

“It’s been a while.” 

“It sure has.” He said happily. I paused for a moment, and proceeded to ask, “Do you ever think about… You know… Once upon a time?” 

“Plenty of times.” My heart fluttered to the bottom of my stomach and I could feel the pain slowly slipping away. 

“Dar….”

“Yeah?”

“Come see me.”

“I would love to but…”

“I’ll buy you a plane ticket. Come stay with me for a weekend.”

Apparently, I have a lot to think about. I gave Ray a shot at winning my soul heart. He’s had eight years, and I’m not so sure he will ever succeed. Today I realize, there isn’t anything left for us anymore. I shall maybe stick it out for the little ones, at least until their older. Meanwhile, I might just remember ME

Have you ever had a ghost resurface? There’s an itch left behind. One you can’t quite scratch. Something or someone you just have to finish business with. I wonder if now is the time to lay my ghosts to rest?

To be continued……………

Signing out.

Can I Even Do This Anymore?

Have you ever had a gut feeling about something. It just screams at you so often. I’ve had one for a while now. In the eight years that I’ve been with Ray, I’ve always sensed something off. I never fully had all of his heart. There was an underlying drift always in gnawing at our door. A disconnect. Distance. While I was pregnant with our first born, there were times I was begging for sex and not getting it. I caught him not in the act but found out through browsing history that he was watching porn. This was the biggest hit to my self esteem I’d ever experienced. Instead of fucking his horny ass girlfriend all the time, he neglected her, ignored her and lusted after other woman. He never resolved these issues that created. 

Yesterday while thinking, “Hey I’ll grab his dying phone and plug it in to charge for him.” 

I did. Proud wife moment. A hinkaling at the pit of my stomach. Told me to spec it out. There I wast searching his phone and there it was. 

MORE PORN!

It crushed my faithful little soul. I started to think about all the men who hound for me. How I’ve turned down so many hotties just to stay faithful to a man whom lied to my face about this very topic. Deception! In fact, even fought with me about how I needed to trust him.  That this wasn’t an issue in our relationship. Today, I am disgusted. I am mortified, and  I’m not sure I can even look at him the same any longer. I’m not even sure I can let him touch me ever again. I’ve lost major respect for this person, I once thought I could spend the rest of my life with. 

What would you do? 

I feel cheated on. 

Would you leave them? 

Would you pay them back?

I want to feel loved. I want to be entangled inside passionate, fierce, romantic

If endeavors. I’m not so sure Ray will give that to me.. It would of already happened. 

I read some articles that say watching porn is equal to cheating. I can now understand why. It makes the partner feel pretty shitty. As I sit with my heart crushed today, I cannot fathom the idea that a man would be fully willing to jeopardize his children’s lives. 

Signing out.

Relationship Smarts

It’s 2pm and I’m receiving a text, “I’m at the hospital.” Gia said with a sad face emoji. Did he hurt her? Oh gawd she tried to kill herself again! I waited to find out what happened, but her communication was at a halt. Later that evening, she texted me back and spoke shortly of what happened. As she talked about her fight with her husband, and their recent drama in cheater land, I couldn’t help but wonder, did they have to escalate it that far? This time, she was made to stay in a woman’s shelter. Awesome right….NO! She keeps going back to this toxic relationship. 

The next day, she had returned home, as if nothing had ever happened. I remember the last time she attempted suicide, she was sent away for three weeks. This time, she went right back home to where the problems start. My smart, beautiful, and potentially successful friend, would rather be co dependent rather than move on with her life. What a sad day. 

How can a man mistreat his woman so badly and in turn cause her to do such dishonor to herself? Why would a man stand over his partner encouraging her to do it? Somethings not right there.  Unfortunately, I cannot know. It is not my place nor am I involved. 

It made me think about the effects of a toxic relationship unto ones self being. How realistically, it slowly kills you. (Found a blogger that spoke about this the other day) 

I had to ask myself, “Is it really worth being with someone, if your value of life is insignificant as a result?” 

I have so many problems with Ray. I could bet ten thousand dollars he cannot go one day without starting an argument, even if petty, I swear that man thrives with argument. Some days I love him to death, others I want to leave him. I teeter back and forth. It’s been a while since we’ve had sex. He’s not a very exciting starter. He’s more of a… OK let’s get right to it. Oh what I’d give for a wall pinning moment, or passionate flirting, or affection and maybe a priceless gift once in a while to let me know I matter.  Nope. Instead, I receive neglect, lack of appreciation, and arguing OVER EVERYTHING!! I dislike it beyond measure. 

As for my friend, it’s been two weeks, and she is still on the fence. I haven’t spoken to her, and she’s shut everyone out. I shall soon see how she is. 

For now, this is me signing out.

Nostalgia

Here I am once again. 

Is it normal for a guy to distance himself and reel back at his choosing? I often find myself wondering if that connection that I desire is missing somewhere in his perfect idea of planned intamacy. 😕

I remember the day I first met you. I despised your cocky comments. I challenged everything you said with my wit. It stopped you cold in your tracks. Oops.  You stopped and stared into my eyes, “Is she for real?” I was. I took care of myself.  A friendship kindled in a tiny moment of revelation. Do you remember, that game?” I do. Sometimes, I close my eyes and remember how it felt. Funny… 17 years later, it still revs me up. I miss your eyes, piercing my soul. I miss your touch sending fireworks down my body, I miss your kiss. I’d rather hold my breath if it meant I could kiss you forever. I fell in love, and I thought you did too. Then you let those drugs take over you. I’ll remember that day you chose to take acid. I’ll always remember the hurt from our little argument over it. I still think your stupid. Told you it would destroy you. I watched drugs destroy my brother. I wanted you. Always you. A love strong, buried alive. Ripped apart, and forever scarred. You were kind of a dick in the end. I should be ok with it. You broke my heart, and I repressed it. I never saw you again after that. I promised myself I’d never fall for another the way I fell for you, and … I didn’t. Goodbye Rick

Oops sorry, um what was I saying?  

Ray wanted a taste of me, but I was tired of his attitude. I said no. He always feels bad about it, but not remorseful enough to stop arguing with me right before he asks for sex. Kind of a jerk move. I can never flirt with him. Unless he approves it, I’m just bothering. Really? One sided flirting? What’s the fun in that. Especially when you expect me to initiate it when you want it. Eww! He makes me daydream more then I should . He doesn’t pay enough mind to our relationships needs. Are we drifting apart? Is there someone else?There was once a time, when I’d experienced something so unreal. I want that feeling again. … I want THAT feeling again.

And then theirs Tate. 

I was broken when I met you. Rick had already sank his claws into my heart. There you were. Out of all the losers I played around with, you stood out. I remember the day Rick embarrassed me publicly for being honest about my love for him. Tate when we fell for each other, I was so scared to tell you. Rick conditioned me to think loving someone was wrong. I was scared you would get mad . Damn conditioning. As our jealousies grew and our hearts entwined, we hurt each other with our jealous crimes. You weren’t about to tell me, and I you.  Oh Tate.. You want to fly me out to come see you, and I’ve considered it greatly. 😔 but … 😔 … Life.

Ray doesn’t appreciate me. I can feel it. He’s distant, and oftentimes I wonder if we lack an emotional connection. I’m spontaneous, he is not. My heart is strong, for this loyalty I carry. I worry your slowly severing us. Our beautiful children, their so happy. If only we could rediscover each other. 

Excuse me while I go cry

Signing out.

Untimely Doom of Romance

In my life, the two hardest lessons I’ve had to learn involved love, and friendships. In my experience, I’ve never had a real friend. My best friend Steph since 7th grade is one of those flaky, competitive sorts. While Danae, is the same way with a whole lotta wishy washy in her. I have yet another friend who likes to call me on the daily. Ray isn’t a very talkative guy. Which leaves me feeling pretty invisible. I get frustrated because, he only speaks to me when its something he wants to talk about, or cares about, or excitement about his successes. The minute I want to excitedly tell him about something for me, he changes the subject with his response. That is hurtful. To have a success you want to share with someone, but have no one to share it with because no one cares. It’s.. I feel like a waste sometimes. How can he change the subject as soon as I say it? We sit silently most often than not, and that infuriates the living shit out of me. Another struggle. Feeling lonely. Not having anyone to talk to about my serious points in life is truly devastating.

Back to the daily friend Gia. She may call me daily, but she’s one of those, “I want to call you, so I can talk at you, not have a conversation with you.” She’s been married for twelve years, and as long as I’ve known her, she’s cheated on her husband. :/ If I had other friends, I would discard our friendship in a heartbeat. What does one do when their so called best friend lacks any moral?

I sat disgusted while Gia spoke about her other BEST friends husband. “Come on Dar can’t you just tell me its OK, and not judge me? isn’t that what real friends do?” Did she really just play that move with me WTF! “I don’t know Gia, she’s your best friend.” “Come on Dar, Can’t you just be cool with it?” “Fine i’ll be cool with it, but I hope you realize you could jeopardize your friendship with her.” Inside my thoughts racing, “If I don’t ‘agree’ with her now, she’ll pull her psycho fit again and we’ll have another fight.” So with distaste I accepted defeat. While I tried to tell her she’s crossing dangerous territory, she wanted me to just say go for it. I couldn’t. I’m not a cheater, even when Ray sometimes pushed those thoughts on me, I cannot do it, it is not what i’m made of. I tried to tell her and she didn’t care.

She sets up dating sites, and meets guys all the time. Some who want to “take her away.” Some she just plays with. All while her husband suffers. It leads me to ask, “Why can one be OK with doing this to another?” Our daily conversations have come to a stand still. They are no longer funny, nor interesting. All she wants to do is talk about this guy or that guy and how their sending her videos of themselves getting off to videos of her. I drew a line the day she sent me a video. I didn’t want to see that!!! I mean well ..  How gullible some people can be. She’s a perfect example of why we should NOT be sending personal videos like that to others peeps. “Guess how many girls got to see you cum fool.”Oh what life lessons I learn from her.

“Alright Gia do what you want. Go for it.” I rolled my eyes on the other end. I disguised my annoyance and disgust well enough for her to believe I was cool with it. All the while still not able to let go of, “If she could do that to someone shes known since kindergarten, what does she do behind my back?”  yeah!…. Right though? How unnerving. Her husband has caught her on numerous occasions and now, he is out cheating on her. Shes upset. Somehow, its OK for her to do it but not for him. Their relationship is pretty toxic. They have physically fought, and well.. :/ I have never met a mother who yells at her children as much as her. The name calling is mortifying.

I ask myself everyday, why is it so easy to get my kids fed, set up, and entertained, so that I can take a moment to speak on the phone? For her, she can;t seem to get a reign on hers. It’s always a screaming match the entire time we are on the phone.

Has anyone heard of a mute button? damnit! Instead of yelling at your kids, can’t you just mute it, so you can hear what their asking, answer their questions and produce what their wanting, and be done? NO! instead I gotta get my ear screamed in, and listen to name calling, and yelling. Meh! Never fun for me. Its frustrating! She is the only friend I have to divulge my problems to, and shes not really a friend at all. We don’t spend time together, all she wants to do is talk about all the guys shes fucking, and bitch about how shitty her life is. 😦 I mean come on!!! Hello!!!! Remember when the universe brings back to you that what you put out there? For realz… Scandalous much? I’ve tried to help her excel but she doesn’t want to, and i’m stuck. Everyone struggles. Friends are their to support each other, and empower one another. She can’t even give me advice. I stay stuck in my little hole of the world struggling because I have no guidance. Figuring this game of life out  all alone. That’s F****** hard! For my friends, its always more about how they can compete, or they simply just don’t care. 😦
This friend used to be an intellect. She had potential. Instead, she would rather stay home all day, and do nothing but flirt. Maybe that’s the in thing? are all relationships in cheating mode these days? Am I a goody two shoes for not cheating? Is my partner cheating on me? Can someone make sense of whats happening around me? Why would one want to live their life with such drama?

What should I do universe?

I don’t know what to think anymore! Signing out.

Does It Have To Be This Way?

Do you ever feel like you’ve chosen the wrong life partner? Do you come across slow slips of moments when things just don’t add up? Have you ever asked your partner a simple, question with no motive other then curiosity that infuriated them the moment they heard it?  Even while innocent there was something there hidden underneath the crevices of a lie?

Why else right?

If we become angry over simple questions, aren’t we hiding something. Don’t we all only get frustrated when we know we’ve been …. had?

Is it normal for a relationship to be so sporadic?

Have you ever felt like you were just staying together for your children’s sake?

Are these struggles something every woman, and mother goes through? Do we get obliterated in our lives?

Ray said, “At one point, I thought I was bored with you because of my disinterest in sex before the hernia surgery.” He’s spent the last five years not truly enticed by me. Gotta be someone else right? All that time, when I was feeling sexually deprived, and wanted to fulfill my hunger, he was rejecting me, and making me feel unattractive. While men were after me, anxious to sink their man parts into me, ravaging me with their eyes, I stayed loyal. All this time. Some even trying their hardest to convince me to cheat. Apparently they wanted me more then my partner, and I merely stayed the girl everyone wanted but couldn’t have. I mean what drives a man crazier?

Because he lacked interest!

I felt it. What woman doesn’t? The thing is… In my past relationships, a gentle stroke in the right areas and my man was rock hard and unable to contain himself. I’m a wild creature with a fierce hunger. With Ray, were simply… mediocre. I ask myself everyday, “What woman would stay loyal to a man who treats her as though she belongs on a curb? Picking and choosing when he has HIS fun with you?”  I get down on myself all the time for this. Isn’t there something to be said about a man when all that attention is coming from everywhere else but him.

Have you ever met a woman more interested in sex than the man is?

I mean don’t men usually complain about their wives always having an excuse?

Not the other way around.

Now… after so many years of torture, deprivation, and new means, i’m bored with Ray. I sometimes wonder if that summer when he told me, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” If there was a small piece of our relationship that died right along with that statement?

A few weeks later, I ran into an old friend. (One of the greatest stories i’ll ever tell.) I thought i’d never see him again. We didn’t act on anything, and we only talked for a bit until he completely, without any reason blocked me from his life. I began to drift away from Ray. Remembering those feelings, and how much I could matter to someone gave me reassurance that I could do better. I started to take care of me more. I’m sure Ray felt this…Wouldn’t you? I realized I still had worth. As the months passed, Ray became more noticing of what was going on. I believe with all my heart he knew he was losing me, and soon after impregnated me with the excuse,”I forgot.”

“Forgot what… that you were supposed to stop and not screw up.” Intention written all over it. Guys… Getting pregnant/impregnating doesn’t save a relationship, only postpones the inevitable. Maybe there’s a story there, but i’m not even sure what to make of it. While pregnant with our little one he fought with me a lot. So much, he trampled on our relationship in ways i’m not so sure are repairable.

My heart is in rambles today, and i’m still trying to wrap my head around the anger a simple question created, “What happened? Your covering the phone camera with your hand.”

Makes one wonder, why does he have the need to be so defensive immediately.

I shall see what transpires of this. for now…

This is me, signing out.