Late Night Contemplations

 


Some days, I find myself defeated. I’m not really sure about the reality of friendship. Is that even a real thing? I haven’t known it. I see a lot of woman having a solid relationship with their best friends, or sister in laws, etc. I see woman flock together for so many things in life, even when their stressing out. For Pete’s sake they even have their periods together! I’ve yet to come across another woman who put that much effort into a friendship with me. 

Maybe I’m that weirdo in the corner, who no one would come near with a ten foot pole? Maybe haters hate? When my life crumbles, there is no one around help me piece the puzzle back.I think I have some pieces inserted in the wrong places even! I am alone. I don’t know what friendship is, but hey… a least I know what I feels like to be the outcast. (Sarcastic chuckle) 

An It doesn’t stop there. The insults. I can’t even count on 5 hands how many insults I heard living through my life. Your too small, your boobs have to be fake,let me grab them to see for sure, hey sexy you know you want me 😒 yuck! Throughout my life, and much, much more! Throughout my  pre-teen  years and teen years, boys harassed me beyond frequently, because quote on quote, they needed to prove my boobs were fake. 😔… Really!? 

I’ve been excluded by other woman, because men can’t be respectful enough around me, and the worst part is, I’m not that kind of girl. I’ve experienced a lot of perversions through my life. I’ve never known what it’s like for someone to look passed my looks and into my mind. Here’s hoping that exists!

Maybe once……………..

Rick always flutters back into my mind. Even then, it was obviously to good to be true. One day he was their, and the the next it was like he didn’t even exist. I love a great mystery, but not to that extreme. 

Being an orphan wasn’t something I asked for. Not having a sister, or friends or anyone to connect with for that matter has left a nasty taste in my mouth. There are days I’ve felt so stuck, but because I have nowhere to seek advice, I end up not doing anything about the situation. I’m lost. Lack of guidance is brutal. I rarely know if i’m on the right track, or if I’ve even got a purpose. All I know is that my three young children need their mother, and at least they love me right (I hope) 

I have Ray, but he’s not the most supportive about anything. When I’m down, it usually upsets him enough to raise his voice at me, which then humbles me with the wisdom to keep my mouth shut. 

Life is hard, and I wish I had an instruction booklet. 


I laid wide awake at 3 am staring at the ceiling fan. It lapped around circulating the small gust of cool air into the bedroom. Ray snoring loudly as always, laid facing opposite of me. Go figure! I doesn’t matter which side we switch to, he ALWAYS has a reason why he doesn’t sleep by me, snuggle, or face me. I’ve brought it up several times, but I’m always met with an excuse as to why, so I’ve… Embraced it, or something like that.

My mind racing at a million thoughts per minute struggling to lay to rest the weight. Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders tends to weigh a person down. I couldn’t help but notice the clock ticking faster than usual. It’s like as long as i’m losing sleep, time WILL fly! All my fears and anxieties rose up inside of me. Causing an anxiety attack.

Are there really men out there in the world less interested in sex than woman? 😞😏

Whatevs,

A swift shadow passed down my hallway, and I jerked in fear. The kids are convinced there is a ghost living in our home. Only, I’m thinking someone just walked into our home. The screen to the  front door opened and shut. I freaked, and started telling Ray. He responded, “Grumble, what do you want.”

“Did you lock the doors tonight, the door just opened. ”

“I don’t know.”

In my my moment of fear I said, “Then can you check because it sounded like someone could have just come inside.”

“Ugh! It’s nothing. ”

“Are you kidding me!?”

I’ve been raped before. That taught me something about encounters. ALRIGHT!  I’m not about to walk down my hallway. Hey! I’m petite and small, Let me fend off attackers from our family. 😀 Come the F*** on!

Men: If your wife is scared, will you reassure her, or get mad?

It turned into a small squabble. The next morning, I was left wondering if I truly need to be protected, would he?

 

 

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