Dear Rick

It happened again. I dream’t about you last night. You always have a way of seeping back up into my mind. Funny. Fifteen years ago, I thought I’d shut you entirely out of my feeling center. Maybe I suppressed it all. Two years ago when you resurfaced, you kinda reignited that spark. You dropped the fuck off again soon after. Just like that, it was over AGAIN. This time, I’m older and well… Now I’m grieving. For then, for now, for the relationship you know we had, yet buried alive, the years we’ve lost with each other, the kids we were meant to have?????? If we were even meant to be? …. Closure.

I’ve never had it.

For the most substantial experience in my life, I will never have closure. Don’t you think about everything? Do I cross your mind at all? Did you even love me at all, or did you straight up use me? Because of you, I’ve crossed my life never falling for anyone, not letting anyone love me the same, keeping others at a safe distance in order to guard my heart. I’ve even kept others from touching me the same way you did. Maybe we were to young for the connection we had, maybe you were stupid for getting into those drugs. Our story was got dang fucking epic. I mean how often is it that you truly do get a hair away from touching real magic?

The pure gravitational pull was so strong and fierce. I know the tether is still there, because I’ve yet to find someone who can replace you, or at least come close. What about you. Are you happy?

The day I lost you, was the end for me. Love was non-existent. I know it wasn’t your choice, maybe it was. Whatever happened, we were left with something. Whatever it is… Don’t you still wonder?

Every time I dream about you, it feels so real. I forget my reality, and believe the dream is. 

These dreams… I hate waking up from them. I would sleep forever, if it meant I could spend eternity with you. And no! … I awake with distaste to the now retrieving world around me.  I just…. Want to… Cry.

The oddity of it all is that for fifteen years, I’d had amazing dreams about this guy. A mystery man. Dreams of being in a relationship, and having one serious spectacular connection such as ours, but I never really placed you. I spent many years wondering who this man could be. Who was this mystery man?  Mystery love. A mystery very similar to ours. I fell in love with you because you were just as mysterious as I. I wracked my brain trying to figure out who this man could be. Never once did I place you. Two years ago, after speaking with you, our conversation… Well… We didn’t even skip a beat. We still had it. You still chose to drop me. I had kids, you had a girl… I wished I could tell you without fear that I wanted YOU more. Thanks to that jerk moved you pulled about the letter, I learned not to express myself to you about my love for you.

After the fire started burning, my mystery mans face became crisp and clear. All those years…Nothing clicked. It took remembering how you made me feel, to connect the puzzle pieces.  It made total sense. So now, I spend my days desiring something I’ll most likely never have, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for falling for you, I hate myself for letting you catch me again.I hate myself for choices I’ve made that lead me here. Because of you, I spent the better half of my life desperately seeking true love. Our relationship didn’t end traditionally, we were ripped apart and I wanted that back. Heck I don’t even think we started traditionally. What started out as a dare, turned into something we had no power to defeat. We couldn’t control our urges and we couldn’t NOT notice each other.

Do you remember when we could walk in the room, and just connect, look at each other, and the power within our love just… Boomed. I want THAT again.

I fear I’ll never get it again, and that leaves me greatly disappointed. Some days I crawl out of bed and think I already came, saw, and conquered what the fuck am I still doing here?

It’s been seventeen years now. AND STILL!!

Whatever! I made my bed and now I gotta lay in it.

I die inside just a little bit more every day because I myself cannot understand any of it.  I want to tingle like that again, I want to feel butterflies like that again. want to feel your sizzle inside your your touch again. I want my heart to pound like a caged creature from your touch AGAIN!

I want to see you in person. At least once before I die. You are the one, and Its you i’ll always want. Probably because we buried it alive. Maybe my issue is not knowing what would have happened had we lived it out. Would we have been like those couples that stay together forever. True love, or would we have ended. WHO KNOWS…. I never will!

My bitter secret: I’ll always be yours.

To be continued …….

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