Can I Even Do This Anymore?

Have you ever had a gut feeling about something. It just screams at you so often. I’ve had one for a while now. In the eight years that I’ve been with Ray, I’ve always sensed something off. I never fully had all of his heart. There was an underlying drift always in gnawing at our door. A disconnect. Distance. While I was pregnant with our first born, there were times I was begging for sex and not getting it. I caught him not in the act but found out through browsing history that he was watching porn. This was the biggest hit to my self esteem I’d ever experienced. Instead of fucking his horny ass girlfriend all the time, he neglected her, ignored her and lusted after other woman. He never resolved these issues that created. 

Yesterday while thinking, “Hey I’ll grab his dying phone and plug it in to charge for him.” 

I did. Proud wife moment. A hinkaling at the pit of my stomach. Told me to spec it out. There I wast searching his phone and there it was. 

MORE PORN!

It crushed my faithful little soul. I started to think about all the men who hound for me. How I’ve turned down so many hotties just to stay faithful to a man whom lied to my face about this very topic. Deception! In fact, even fought with me about how I needed to trust him.  That this wasn’t an issue in our relationship. Today, I am disgusted. I am mortified, and  I’m not sure I can even look at him the same any longer. I’m not even sure I can let him touch me ever again. I’ve lost major respect for this person, I once thought I could spend the rest of my life with. 

What would you do? 

I feel cheated on. 

Would you leave them? 

Would you pay them back?

I want to feel loved. I want to be entangled inside passionate, fierce, romantic

If endeavors. I’m not so sure Ray will give that to me.. It would of already happened. 

I read some articles that say watching porn is equal to cheating. I can now understand why. It makes the partner feel pretty shitty. As I sit with my heart crushed today, I cannot fathom the idea that a man would be fully willing to jeopardize his children’s lives. 

Signing out.

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