Here I am once again. 

Is it normal for a guy to distance himself and reel back at his choosing? I often find myself wondering if that connection that I desire is missing somewhere in his perfect idea of planned intamacy. 😕

I remember the day I first met you. I despised your cocky comments. I challenged everything you said with my wit. It stopped you cold in your tracks. Oops.  You stopped and stared into my eyes, “Is she for real?” I was. I took care of myself.  A friendship kindled in a tiny moment of revelation. Do you remember, that game?” I do. Sometimes, I close my eyes and remember how it felt. Funny… 17 years later, it still revs me up. I miss your eyes, piercing my soul. I miss your touch sending fireworks down my body, I miss your kiss. I’d rather hold my breath if it meant I could kiss you forever. I fell in love, and I thought you did too. Then you let those drugs take over you. I’ll remember that day you chose to take acid. I’ll always remember the hurt from our little argument over it. I still think your stupid. Told you it would destroy you. I watched drugs destroy my brother. I wanted you. Always you. A love strong, buried alive. Ripped apart, and forever scarred. You were kind of a dick in the end. I should be ok with it. You broke my heart, and I repressed it. I never saw you again after that. I promised myself I’d never fall for another the way I fell for you, and … I didn’t. Goodbye Rick

Oops sorry, um what was I saying?  

Ray wanted a taste of me, but I was tired of his attitude. I said no. He always feels bad about it, but not remorseful enough to stop arguing with me right before he asks for sex. Kind of a jerk move. I can never flirt with him. Unless he approves it, I’m just bothering. Really? One sided flirting? What’s the fun in that. Especially when you expect me to initiate it when you want it. Eww! He makes me daydream more then I should . He doesn’t pay enough mind to our relationships needs. Are we drifting apart? Is there someone else?There was once a time, when I’d experienced something so unreal. I want that feeling again. … I want THAT feeling again.

And then theirs Tate. 

I was broken when I met you. Rick had already sank his claws into my heart. There you were. Out of all the losers I played around with, you stood out. I remember the day Rick embarrassed me publicly for being honest about my love for him. Tate when we fell for each other, I was so scared to tell you. Rick conditioned me to think loving someone was wrong. I was scared you would get mad . Damn conditioning. As our jealousies grew and our hearts entwined, we hurt each other with our jealous crimes. You weren’t about to tell me, and I you.  Oh Tate.. You want to fly me out to come see you, and I’ve considered it greatly. 😔 but … 😔 … Life.

Ray doesn’t appreciate me. I can feel it. He’s distant, and oftentimes I wonder if we lack an emotional connection. I’m spontaneous, he is not. My heart is strong, for this loyalty I carry. I worry your slowly severing us. Our beautiful children, their so happy. If only we could rediscover each other. 

Excuse me while I go cry

Signing out.

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