In my life, the two hardest lessons I’ve had to learn involved love, and friendships. In my experience, I’ve never had a real friend. My best friend Steph since 7th grade is one of those flaky, competitive sorts. While Danae, is the same way with a whole lotta wishy washy in her. I have yet another friend who likes to call me on the daily. Ray isn’t a very talkative guy. Which leaves me feeling pretty invisible. I get frustrated because, he only speaks to me when its something he wants to talk about, or cares about, or excitement about his successes. The minute I want to excitedly tell him about something for me, he changes the subject with his response. That is hurtful. To have a success you want to share with someone, but have no one to share it with because no one cares. It’s.. I feel like a waste sometimes. How can he change the subject as soon as I say it? We sit silently most often than not, and that infuriates the living shit out of me. Another struggle. Feeling lonely. Not having anyone to talk to about my serious points in life is truly devastating.
Back to the daily friend Gia. She may call me daily, but she’s one of those, “I want to call you, so I can talk at you, not have a conversation with you.” She’s been married for twelve years, and as long as I’ve known her, she’s cheated on her husband. If I had other friends, I would discard our friendship in a heartbeat. What does one do when their so called best friend lacks any moral?
I sat disgusted while Gia spoke about her other BEST friends husband. “Come on Dar can’t you just tell me its OK, and not judge me? isn’t that what real friends do?” Did she really just play that move with me WTF! “I don’t know Gia, she’s your best friend.” “Come on Dar, Can’t you just be cool with it?” “Fine i’ll be cool with it, but I hope you realize you could jeopardize your friendship with her.” Inside my thoughts racing, “If I don’t ‘agree’ with her now, she’ll pull her psycho fit again and we’ll have another fight.” So with distaste I accepted defeat. While I tried to tell her she’s crossing dangerous territory, she wanted me to just say go for it. I couldn’t. I’m not a cheater, even when Ray sometimes pushed those thoughts on me, I cannot do it, it is not what i’m made of. I tried to tell her and she didn’t care.
She sets up dating sites, and meets guys all the time. Some who want to “take her away.” Some she just plays with. All while her husband suffers. It leads me to ask, “Why can one be OK with doing this to another?” Our daily conversations have come to a stand still. They are no longer funny, nor interesting. All she wants to do is talk about this guy or that guy and how their sending her videos of themselves getting off to videos of her. I drew a line the day she sent me a video. I didn’t want to see that!!! I mean well .. How gullible some people can be. She’s a perfect example of why we should NOT be sending personal videos like that to others peeps. “Guess how many girls got to see you cum fool.”Oh what life lessons I learn from her.
“Alright Gia do what you want. Go for it.” I rolled my eyes on the other end. I disguised my annoyance and disgust well enough for her to believe I was cool with it. All the while still not able to let go of, “If she could do that to someone shes known since kindergarten, what does she do behind my back?” yeah!…. Right though? How unnerving. Her husband has caught her on numerous occasions and now, he is out cheating on her. Shes upset. Somehow, its OK for her to do it but not for him. Their relationship is pretty toxic. They have physically fought, and well.. I have never met a mother who yells at her children as much as her. The name calling is mortifying.
I ask myself everyday, why is it so easy to get my kids fed, set up, and entertained, so that I can take a moment to speak on the phone? For her, she can;t seem to get a reign on hers. It’s always a screaming match the entire time we are on the phone.
Has anyone heard of a mute button? damnit! Instead of yelling at your kids, can’t you just mute it, so you can hear what their asking, answer their questions and produce what their wanting, and be done? NO! instead I gotta get my ear screamed in, and listen to name calling, and yelling. Meh! Never fun for me. Its frustrating! She is the only friend I have to divulge my problems to, and shes not really a friend at all. We don’t spend time together, all she wants to do is talk about all the guys shes fucking, and bitch about how shitty her life is. 😦 I mean come on!!! Hello!!!! Remember when the universe brings back to you that what you put out there? For realz… Scandalous much? I’ve tried to help her excel but she doesn’t want to, and i’m stuck. Everyone struggles. Friends are their to support each other, and empower one another. She can’t even give me advice. I stay stuck in my little hole of the world struggling because I have no guidance. Figuring this game of life out all alone. That’s F****** hard! For my friends, its always more about how they can compete, or they simply just don’t care. 😦
This friend used to be an intellect. She had potential. Instead, she would rather stay home all day, and do nothing but flirt. Maybe that’s the in thing? are all relationships in cheating mode these days? Am I a goody two shoes for not cheating? Is my partner cheating on me? Can someone make sense of whats happening around me? Why would one want to live their life with such drama?
What should I do universe?
I don’t know what to think anymore! Signing out.