Does It Have To Be This Way?

Do you ever feel like you’ve chosen the wrong life partner? Do you come across slow slips of moments when things just don’t add up? Have you ever asked your partner a simple, question with no motive other then curiosity that infuriated them the moment they heard it?  Even while innocent there was something there hidden underneath the crevices of a lie?

Why else right?

If we become angry over simple questions, aren’t we hiding something. Don’t we all only get frustrated when we know we’ve been …. had?

Is it normal for a relationship to be so sporadic?

Have you ever felt like you were just staying together for your children’s sake?

Are these struggles something every woman, and mother goes through? Do we get obliterated in our lives?

Ray said, “At one point, I thought I was bored with you because of my disinterest in sex before the hernia surgery.” He’s spent the last five years not truly enticed by me. Gotta be someone else right? All that time, when I was feeling sexually deprived, and wanted to fulfill my hunger, he was rejecting me, and making me feel unattractive. While men were after me, anxious to sink their man parts into me, ravaging me with their eyes, I stayed loyal. All this time. Some even trying their hardest to convince me to cheat. Apparently they wanted me more then my partner, and I merely stayed the girl everyone wanted but couldn’t have. I mean what drives a man crazier?

Because he lacked interest!

I felt it. What woman doesn’t? The thing is… In my past relationships, a gentle stroke in the right areas and my man was rock hard and unable to contain himself. I’m a wild creature with a fierce hunger. With Ray, were simply… mediocre. I ask myself everyday, “What woman would stay loyal to a man who treats her as though she belongs on a curb? Picking and choosing when he has HIS fun with you?”  I get down on myself all the time for this. Isn’t there something to be said about a man when all that attention is coming from everywhere else but him.

Have you ever met a woman more interested in sex than the man is?

I mean don’t men usually complain about their wives always having an excuse?

Not the other way around.

Now… after so many years of torture, deprivation, and new means, i’m bored with Ray. I sometimes wonder if that summer when he told me, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” If there was a small piece of our relationship that died right along with that statement?

A few weeks later, I ran into an old friend. (One of the greatest stories i’ll ever tell.) I thought i’d never see him again. We didn’t act on anything, and we only talked for a bit until he completely, without any reason blocked me from his life. I began to drift away from Ray. Remembering those feelings, and how much I could matter to someone gave me reassurance that I could do better. I started to take care of me more. I’m sure Ray felt this…Wouldn’t you? I realized I still had worth. As the months passed, Ray became more noticing of what was going on. I believe with all my heart he knew he was losing me, and soon after impregnated me with the excuse,”I forgot.”

“Forgot what… that you were supposed to stop and not screw up.” Intention written all over it. Guys… Getting pregnant/impregnating doesn’t save a relationship, only postpones the inevitable. Maybe there’s a story there, but i’m not even sure what to make of it. While pregnant with our little one he fought with me a lot. So much, he trampled on our relationship in ways i’m not so sure are repairable.

My heart is in rambles today, and i’m still trying to wrap my head around the anger a simple question created, “What happened? Your covering the phone camera with your hand.”

Makes one wonder, why does he have the need to be so defensive immediately.

I shall see what transpires of this. for now…

This is me, signing out.


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